he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
