i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
porn star boner night. come get it.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
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