I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
We are all done wearing pants today
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Randomize
