So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
