I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
