After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
