I'm pants shitting drunk right now
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Im part way to drunk.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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