i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
