Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
