We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
