Joe is yelling at the trees again.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
