I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
