How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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