my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
