Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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