Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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