this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
