When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
