They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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