somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
