we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
