oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
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Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
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Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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