High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
