I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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