They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
