I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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