Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
