Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
