No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
