Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
