So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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