Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
