Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
