I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
