M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
