I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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