I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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