Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
her vagine was all disorganized.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
