haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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