i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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