He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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