Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
