Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
