hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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