I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
