Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
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