There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
