Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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