he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
