Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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