I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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