We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
