I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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