I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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