Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
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I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
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I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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