Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You were trust falling into bushes
Randomize
