Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
